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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Speidi Goes to Space

Ever since Spencer and Heidi Pratt have been banned from the E! Network, they've appeared in the media very little. I was beginning to think that we had actually heard the last from them. And when Spencer wrote on his twitter that all his fame-hunger was for nothing and that he was going to live only for his wife and God from here on out...I got even more excited. In fact, when I recently heard the word "Speidi" I actually jumped up on the table thinking there was a bug in the room. But my hopes have just been shattered. Turns out this was all apart of their elaborate scheme to be back on tabloid covers again.
They no doubt felt shocked and defeated when they googled themselves and came up with nothing. So when Conan O'Brien recently mentioned Spencer's name, you can bet the deviously dumb duo jumped all over it.

Conan: "Big week for NASA. Despite all the publicity about the moon landing, a recent survey finds that only 29 percent of Americans support NASA sending a manned mission to Mars. Of course, that figure goes up to 90 percent if that man is Spencer Pratt."

Spencer: "I just heard Conan Obrien said that people wantto send me to Mars!? If NASA let's me I will do a reality show of Speidi moving to mars"

Deal! Let's give them a fisher price camera (it's amazing how real children's toys look these days) and tell them it's going to be like Britney's self-filmed "Chaotic." And when the rocket ship spontaneously combusts the second they step out...well...I guess that's that.

Wait. It gets better. Not only are they proposing a reality show to take place in space (any idea on how they plan on filming in Mars and in LA for the Hills simultaneously?), they are actually, seriously, truly, really writing a book on how to become famous. For real.

"I hope once the Speidi written book 'How to Be Famous!' that comes out this fall people will hate less because we shared the blue print. After 'How to Be Famous' hits stores you will have no excuse to be jealous of Speidi fame for 'nothing.' Go get your own fame it's easy!"

I was sent an advanced copy of the book..Here it is in it's entirety:

Chapter 1: Get a plastic face and bleach your hair blonde. (It's easier to smile for long periods of time without hurting your cheek muscles. And the paps photograph you more if you smile pretty.)

Chapter 2: Sign up for any and all reality shows that will hire you. (Scripted television is way hard. You have to read good.)

Chapter 3: Call Reporters and give them quotes on anything that is currently in the news (politics, alien abduction, etc.)

Chapter 4: Start feuds with all of your friends. (Drama keeps you on magazine covers. Plus who needs friends once you're famous?)

Chapter 5: Be born to rich parents (You have to be able to afford looking pretty while being unemployed. Jobs take away from fame.)

Chapter 6: Make friends with only people who own cameras. (They can take "exclusive" photos of you and give you half of the profit when they sell the photos to US Weekly.)

The End!

Disclaimer: This is how to get famous with no talent. If you have talent, then why are you reading this book?

I just saved everyone $7.50 and a trip to the discount racks at Walmart. You're welcome. Go get your fame.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Is He for REAL???

There's a reason Tony Romo is one of the most hated football players (for Eagles fans anyway). He is perhaps more full of himself than his former teammate TO. After his breakup from Jessica Simpson (the day before her birthday, might I add. Cheap much?), Romo put a sign at the entrance to his house that reads:
"Red Alert!!! Tony Romo has made some changes to his list of people allowed in... Jessica is no longer on the list and not approved for access."

FOR REAL???!!!

So many problems with this... Again, anyone who refers to themself in the third person is a douche and deserves to be humiliated publicly. Secondly, the world knows they broke up, do you really need to display your immaturity on your front lawn like a piece of trash? Thirdly, I'm assuming he did this to confirm the fact that he was the one to do the breaking...but it kind of makes it seem like she jilted him and he is left in the dust cleaning up his broken heart.

Jessica, take a lesson from Jennifer Aniston on humiliating ex boyfriends with class. And stay away from John Mayer!

This Just In

Kim Kardashian and long time boyfriend Reggish Bush have parted ways after 2 years. As an occasional spectator of the show, I am deeply disappointed in this. When Khloe, Rob, and Kourtney all became single a few months back, Reggie warned them not to spread their single energy to Kim, which I thought oh-so romantic. I hope this isn't a sign of what's to come for Kendra and Hank. Sports and reality television DO mix!
Love and happiness come first. Kim said in a re-run of "Keeping Up.." that career comes first and she almost missed Reggie's opening game for a photo shoot. Maybe career comes first for the struggling single mother. But if you've already got everything, including a hit tv show, a fragrance, a successful clothing line, etc etc...give love a chance, will ya?!

Kendra's Mom is a Meanie

On this week's episode of Kendra, the former GND star tells her friends, family, and audience that she is pregnant. While there are some smiles and gasps of excitement, Patty cannot hide her disdain. She tells her daughter "Good luck. I can't pretend to be happy for you." and sends Kendra running out of the room/town crying. Was this completely necessary? We all know that your husband left you with 2 kids and probably very little income...but Kendra is marrying a public figure..who also is a millionaire. She also owns her very own mini-mansion and has a steady cash flow coming in without ever having to really "work." Yes, she's only 23 and yes she did get engaged very soon after leaving the mansion...but is that what you're really upset about? You didn't seem to mind one bit when Kendra moved in with a 78 year old man when she was 60 years his junior..not to mention the 2 other girlfriends... We all saw how you reacted when Kendra told you she was leaving the mansion for true love. Do you want your daughter to be a miserable shrew who never leaves her mother's side like you? Let's compare..

Life at the Mansion:
  • Living and fornicating with a 83 year old man.
  • Never allowed to leave the house without giving a detailed plan of where she would be at all times.
  • Coming in last to the old man's other 2 girlfriends.
  • Never had to be responsible for cooking or cleaning or bettering herself in general.
  • Paid $1000 a week paycheck for her "job" as a girlfriend...I think there's a word for that?

Life with Hank:

  • Have mini-mansions on both coasts.
  • Dating a man her own age.
  • Hank's only girlfriend.
  • Marriage isn't a forbidden subject.
  • Can have spontaneous sex without medicine.
  • Husband is young enough for kids.
  • The list goes on
  • and on
  • and on

So what's the problem Patti? Are you mad that you can't live vicariously through the life of a playmate anymore? Do you miss being catered to on the few occasions where Kendra was allowed to have guests? Do you not have enough faith in your daughter to take care of herself and be in a committed relationship?

As a matter of fact, were you the bum I saw sleeping right outside of the mansion gates? Take what you can get Patti, because without Kendra, you wouldn't have that new face and all the perks you get from her allowance. I've got it! You're afraid that the baby will get your share of Kendra's income? Well get with it woman. You're last week's leftovers.

Monday, July 27, 2009

T.O. brings popcorn to Buffalo

Mo is left behind this week to meet her half sister for the first time in 36 years...I'll get to that in a minute...while Kita travels with Terrell and Pablo to Buffalo. Terrell is greeted by a swarm of fans in the airport, which has me thinking these people either don't know about his antics, are paid to inflate his ego even more-so, or are just desperate to have their team make the playoffs. I conclude that it is a combination of all 3, further illustrated when the mayor presents TO with a key to the city. While I do like TO, and I pity him for the childhood he went through, I'm not blind enough to know that if he isn't spoiled and treated like the god that he thinks he is, he will clash with the team and be traded within the year. But by presenting him with the key, a conflict is already being setup in the locker room. What about the other teammates...who have been working hard for the team for years. Do they have a key? How will his big head even fit into the locker room now? I'm predicting problems in the near future.
Moving on...Mo spends the entire episode worrying about her older sister whom she has never met. She gets ahold of her phone number and makes plans to meet for lunch. The phone conversation is not caught on film, and when Mo is left alone at the restaurant, she is only informed via text message (45 minutes after meeting time). I'm beginning to think that this is all a part of Kita's master plan. She realized after last week that something would have to change if she was going to be with Terrell. So she dupes Mo into staying home, somehow gets rid of Pablo and ends up on a romantic date with Terrell in the middle of Niagara Falls. Of course, she puts on a huge scene, pretending that she doesn't want to go on the boat, but I see right through this act. Terrell in turn, picks her up and carries her onto the boat, where she holds onto him for dear life. Not very subtle, as even TO starts to pick up on it and tells her to shut up and act like she's been in public before. Very nice. She needed to be told.
After the boat ride, she surprises her "client" when she tells him they'll be spending the night nearby. They pull up to a tiny little bed & breakfast, where the old couple tells them they are completely booked except for 1 room. Of course. Plan is in action and Kita tells the couple and TO that she misunderstood but that they would deal with it. Until she realizes there is 2 beds and she still won't get to sleep with him. Perhaps realizing what she is up to, Terrell insists they stay so that Kita won't have a chance to find a 1 bed room. I am happy to say his standards are higher than I thought and I hope Kita gets canned for this little stunt. Leave her in Buffalo while you go ho it up in LA, TO!
Can't wait to see what happens next week when Mo finds out about Kita's little scheme. Mo could definitely take her.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Just Say NO... Facebook relationship status. I am completely against this. Sure it's fine going from "single to in a relationship." But who wants the world to know when they go from "in a relationship to single"? Not to mention the little broken heart that appears next to your name on everyone's newsfeed. As if it's not bad enough to go through a breakup, now 300 of your closest friends have the option to "Like" or "Comment" on your doomed lovelife. I think I would be so devastated by having to register my new single status on the web, that I would quickly get over the breakup itself. Until people start commenting, that is. Am I really obligated to give a play by play on my love life? Is nothing sacred anymore?!

My other hangup with relationship status is when people put "It's complicated with (insert same sex platonic friend's name here)." Some girls may do this to mock the idea of it, but I doubt it. Because I know many people who apologize (via their status of course) to the platonic friend when they actually get a man and feel obligated to change the status accordingly. This just makes you look like a fool who made yourself feel better by being in a "facebook relationship." Why is "it's complicated" even an option?? Do people really need to know that your love life is on the rocks? And what if you think it's complicated but your other half thought things were just made it complicated!

Please people, spare us of your drama. If we're not close enough for you to call us and let us know things are going down the toilet, then we probably don't care.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

What is he/she thinking??

It's no secret that a Hollywood lifetime is equal to around 5 years. And since celebs have the life even before finding love, many people like to hate when they start dating other celebs who also have it all. It's the double threat/complete envy factor. I'd like to take the time now to voice my opinion on Hollywood couples that I'd like to see make it, and couples I'd like to see humiliated in a public break up.

The Happy List

  • Pink & Carey Hart (Pink gets on my nerves and she's an angry little thing...but they make a cute couple and any married couple that legally seperates and then reunites is definitely on the happy list.)

  • Kendra & Hank (Again, I'm an Eagles fan, but also an avid Girls Next Door fan and a huge follower of their new show. I love them together and while they seem to be opposites, I really hope they last.)

  • Brian Austin Green & Megan Fox (I don't think these 2 are technically even together right now...but they're photographed holding hands every now and then...which means there's a chance! Some people may hate, but I'm a huge fan of 90210 reruns and David Silver bagging Megan Fox is huge! I hope it happens. Please God.)

Britney & KFed (Again, not technically together, but photographed once in a while. Kids are involved. Even though KFed might be a druggie and Brit is a's better that they see the kids together than each get them alone.)

  • Ashton & Demi [They've already outlived the Hollywood record of longest marriages (approximately) and I love how they're one big happy family with Bruce Willis. Even though her kids are old enough to be Ashton's mistress...they make it work and I wish them the best.]

  • Sarah Michelle & Freddie Prinze (Anyone that actually spends their time on their relationship rather than seeing how much publicity you can get from it deserves to be together.)

  • Teresa Giudice $ Joe Giudice (No that $ is not a typo. Real Housewives of NJ for those of you who don't know. They're wonderful. So in love, 3 beautiful daughters...I want to adopt Gia...deserve to be together for life.)

The Shit List

  • Speidi [Any couple that refers to themselves as one, and in the third person, deserve to be humiliated and not allowed in public. Also, as I own every season of the Hills (they were all well as on my wish list for every holiday/birthday), I get the immediate before and after clips of Heidi and, although she was kind of ditzy and unmotivated before Spencer...she's just a whore after. I hope she dumps him and gets her original face and body back and he is never to be spoken of again. In fact, I hope he is forced to wear her new nose and boobs as punishment.]

  • Brangelina (Angelina's a whore. Can you tell I'm not a fan of infidelity? And Jen is so much better for him. Anyone who disagrees is a whore also.)

  • Lauren Conrad and Kyle Howard [as much as I would like to see Lauren happy in a relationship for once...I just don't see it happening. She's still too young (10 days older than me...we share a sign, jealous?) This is only her first off-cam relationship. That's basically equivalent to a 7th grade relationship. You think it's real because it's the first time you feel anything (down there and otherwise) but she'll move on. Plus..that whole thing about Ryan Gosling hitting on her at a bar and Kyle wanting to fight the guy...PLEASE! Talk about 7th grade relationship. Sorry if not EVERYONE knows who you are and follow who you're dating, Lauren. Maybe he just thought you were some easy chick at a bar. (LOVE YOU LC)]

  • Robo-Tomkat (It's just unnatural. She used to dream about him as a child. Really? That's what gets you going Tom? Are you even straight? Please stop reproducing for the sake of the America turning into that Will Smith robot movie.)

These are the couples I'm most opinionated about. Stay stuned to this post as it will be updated frequently. Also, opinions in agreement or disagreement are welcome as always.

Mo and Kita need to get a man

As a Philadelphia native and a fan of the Philadelphia Eagles, I know I might catch alot of slack when I admit that I actually kind of like the T.O. Show. And not only that, but I kind of like T.O. I've been given the fulll run-down on why he's so hated, but I have to say, I think he's just misunderstood. I did a little bit of research and I discovered that Terrell had a very sheltered childhood. He grew up across the street from his father without ever knowing it. He wasn't ever allowed to leave the front yard, even when he got a new bike for Christmas. So given that he was forbidden to play sports until high school, I think he deserves the right to show off his unwavering skill. The whole "sharpie" thing...many fans hated, but he made some little kid's day by pulling a marker out of his sock and signing the football that he just scored with. Not to be shallow...but he's also got a hot bod.
Many things about this show that I hate (read: obsess over and love afterall).

Let's begin with Mo and Kita. These girls say they are his "publicists," but they don't spend an ounce of energy on publicizing Terrell. Instead, they "ride his back" hard about hitting on girls and going to the club. All the while, they're sitting at the club like wet rags that I used to wash my car, giving death stares to every girl who even glances at TO. I suspect that they've had/want several orgies with Terrell and get angry when they realize he only used them to relieve his built up stress caused by being traded every few seasons. They mention several times during the 30 minute episode that Terrell needs to focus on the plan at hand and stop slacking off. They also mention several times that it's the off season. What exactly does he need to focus on during the off season? They claim that it's finding him a real woman to love...but a guy's gotta start somewhere...there were several "real" women at the club, and the real estate agent...what was wrong with her?...besides the skirt about to explode while at the same time revealing something chunky hiding underneath, the bending over the bed 5 minutes after introduction, the bikini lap dance in the hot tub, etc.

I gather 20 minutes in that the real plan is to reunite TO with Felicia, his ex-fiancee whom he cheated on. WHAT?! Why in the WORLD would this girl want to see the guy that jilted her? Yes, he's a gazillionaire, and yes he's hiding basketballs inside his arms, but what girl in her right mind is going to agree to go out with a man who undoubtedly turned her world upside down (first in a good way, then in a bad way). Nevertheless, Felicia accepts Terrell's call and agrees to meet him. She even dances around the infidelity subject and laughs when TO plays it off like he doesn't remember. I think/hope that she has an ulterior motive here. I'm thinking she's already got someone who she's in love with which is why she could give a crap about TO humiliating her, and I think she's planning revenge. Maybe get him to admit he still loves her, propose again with a new million dollar ring, then bring up the fact that she's already engaged, and sell the ring for 10mil.

Here's hoping.

Dear Hogans: You are all trash, but each in your own endearing way

Linda. Take a life lesson. Get a vibrator and a friend. It's the equivalent to your 19 year old boyfriend minus the estrangement from your daughter. Seems easy enough. But I can see where you're coming from with the child sex because without the drama you wouldn't earn a living. Charlie is your "soul mate right now." Really? Because's he's there for you? He understands what you're going through? He must have gotten an A+ in high school psych. That could have been because he was sleeping with the teacher though..if she was a 50 year old saggy emotionally unstable has-been (or never-was).
But seriously. Your daughter has shut you out. You cry and cry and drip mascara tears all over the cameras, but you refuse to cut ties with your boy toy. This gets my wheels spinning. My first question is: Are you crying when the cameras aren't rolling? I initially thought yes because why wouldn't you wear waterproof makeup if you knew it would be running down your face in mass quantities. But then! I saw how much attention LC's mascara tear got on the Hills and you tried to up your stock. Well played Linda Hogan, well played.

Brooke. You used to be on my nerves..ALOT.. but since your song came out mocking Heidi Montag you went up in my book (it's a lime green spiral notebook from CVS where I ran
k my favorite celebrities in a variety of categories..Brooke is now number 3 under "Creative Ways to mock Speidi. 1 and 2 are Jonah Hill and LC, respectively). Anyway...Brooke, how are you ok with your dad dating your clone but you shun your mom for doing the same? Isn't that just as sick? To be fair, Hulk's female friend is 31 so she's allowed to stay out past 11pm...but she looks IDENTICAL to Brooke. Doesn't that make it pretty even? Maybe Charlie was your boyfriend first and that's the real reason you're not speaking to your mom?? Hmm...the plot thickens.

I have 3 predictions for the finale of Brooke Knows Best.

  1. Charlie and BrookeNumberTwo meet and fall in love, thus bringing the family back together and making room for Hulk to know better than Brooke again.

  2. Charlie calls Linda by Brooke's name and she realizes that he thought she was Brooke this whole time. Then Linda and Hulk get back together and adopt BrookeNumberTwo because BrookeNumberOne leaves the fam for Charlie.

  3. Hulk accidentally sleeps with Brooke, thinking she is BrookeNumberTwo, and they get married, making the title of the next season "Hulk and Brooke Together Know Best, Well at Least Better, Ok Maybe Worst."

What's your take?

Sidenote: How old is Brooke's roommate Glenn? I thought he was around 20-22, MAYBE 23. Because he is best friends/lives with 2 girls of that age. But now his ex (and only) girlfriend makes an appearance and she looks like she is 35! And then the girls mention the "80s prom picture." Is Glenn 40?? I am so confused but somehow this makes so much sense give the Hogan history with age. All the more hypocritical of Brooke. Linda should just tell Brooke that Charlie is her gay roommate.