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Thursday, October 29, 2009

Oh. My. Gah.

In the spirit of Halloween (presumably) Speidi has decided to dress up like Jon and Kate Gosselin for a completely unstage, spur of the moment photo op. Now, I've never seen the show so I could be way off here, but does Kate really wear a shirt with her picture on it or does Heidi just assume everyone is as self-centered as herself?
This is the closest Heidi could get to having kids with Spencer. And for the sake of humanity, let's hope it stays that way.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Audrina Patridge picks up a hooker

And a cheap one at that.
Oh wait, nevermind. It's just Heidi Montag filming an episode of the Hills. Honest mistake.

Well, not so much mistake as completely dead-on. Afterall, Heidi won't leave the house without being paid.

"You want canteloupe for breakfast, Spence? Call the paps, tell them I'll be at the Acme on N Hollywood in 10 minutes, I want $500k."

"It's my sister's birthday? Hey Holly, how much will I be getting for this? What, nothing? You want me to celebrate your birthday with you in public for free?! Sorry, I'm sick. Cough cough. Happy birthday."

"Adam Divello won't allow me to walk around naked for the show? Does he think this chest paid for itself?! Call Hef!"
(In case you didn't already know...she doesn't get nude...pile on the contradiction.)

Monday, October 26, 2009

Kristin to blame for Hills Failure...Hmm...Or maybe...

...MTV producers are to blame...or the increasing intelligence of fans...or the overexposure of the Hills cast...or the poor decision to move the show to Tuesday nights...or Spencer and Heidi's existence...
All in all Kristin Cavallari is the least of The Hills' problems. If anything, she's the only thing worth holding onto.

Let's face it. Fans watch the Hills for the drama. The drama that is life-like and relatable. Lauren got boring. She was living her life off-film but in front of the paps. So we all knew what was going on, but it wasn't to be admitted to us.

The Hills targets a female audience between the ages of 16ish-24ish. Not many people in that age group can relate to Spencer and Heidi. Their storyline is the man making all the decisions, and the woman pretendeing to care without actually going against her husband's wishes. Welcome to the 18th century Heidi! If a man married me, then signed a yearly lease for an "bachelor pad" when we're looking to own real estate, then told me I wasn't allowed to have kids or else he'd divorce me...many things would happen. Submission would not be one of them. That's what annulments were created for. Get with it Barbie.

The decision has been made. The full blame for decreasing viewership of The Hills has been placed on Heidi Montag.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Apology to the Fans

I want to express my sincerest regret for keeping all my devoted readers (read: my sister and boyfriend) waiting anxiously on the edge of their seats for my next post. Things have been a little crazy since summer ended and I plan on getting back on track starting immediately.

I will start by letting you all know how depressed I am about Hank Baskett's departure from the Philadelphia Eagles. Without Hank on the team, my chances of meeting Kendra are next to none. Hank will now be playing for the Indianapolis Colts, therefore relocating his family to Indiana. There is no chance Kendra will be ok with this transition. She is a born city dweller damnit! I predict that she will have a talk with Andy Reid, let him know what's up, and live in Philadelphia forever so she and I can be neighbors and best friends.

Kendra has yet to comment about the trade on her blog, BUT she did post last Friday about her birthday present to Hank.

I took [Hank's car] to XTREME Auto Interiors in Roslyn, PA just outside of Philly. The owner, John, has done work for many of the Eagles players and we had heard good things about him, so that’s why we chose him for the job.

This place is 4 miles from my house. The car is still there being worked on. I know what I'm doing this weekend!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Kourtney and Khloe take Coke..err..I mean…Miami

Kourtney signed up for a painting class, a nude painting class, a nude painting class with giant balls in her face that she can't help but giggle at, a nude painting class with giant balls in her face that she can't help but giggle at with a lesbian that asks her name. Um..see that camera with “Kourtney and Khloe take Miami” printed on the side?” Yea, that would be Kourtney. Good job being completely out of touch with “reality.”
Meanwhile, Khloe, who hid cocaine that she “found,” in her purse, as previously reported on Popcorn Etc… decides “Hey! What a good idea! Let me bring it out on the air during my radio station and pretend to get high. Yea I’m on probation, but it’s cool.” She gets reprimanded mid-show and suspended from the air.
Later, while summarizing for Kourt, she details that she “just threw it in my bag because I didn’t want people to think it was mine.” Wow. You’re smart.
Kourtney admits to fooling around with girls, and they toast to their new “relationship.” Khloe and the Dash manager immediately assume Kourtney’s a lesbo. Which is then confirmed when Kourt tells the girls that her new friend is also attracted to girls and they’re going out on a date. They make out and she vows never to talk to Les again. What a dude.

She eventually decides to go back to the nude painting class. This time, it’s a nude woman. I think. Kourtney tells Les that she’s not bisexual but still wants to be friends. Do you hook up with guys before telling them you’re not interested but "let’s hang out?" I have a feeling that’s not the last we’ll see of Lesbian. Either that or Kourtney really is a dude and she gave the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech, before never talking to Lesbian again. Well played, Kourt, well played.
Oh, and Kourtney’s show is back on the air. Didn’t see that coming (except in every preview on E!).

What do you mean ‘What I’m yelling about?”

Daddy’s Girls Vanessa and Angela live like slobs. Like all slobs, they have mice in their mansion. Younger sister Angela packs her bags and tells her cousin and sister that if the exterminator doesn’t get rid of the mice, she will not live there. So the exterminator investigates, and promises to exterminate the mice. Angela finds this inhumane and says they can’t kill a living thing…what do you think it means to exterminate, Angela??? Meanwhile the only way you’ll walk around the house is in heels, in order to “elevate” yourself. I think you mean puncture. Off to the hotel she goes.
Daddy calls Angela and intervenes, telling her it is stupid to waste money on a hotel when you have an entire mansion to live in. So back at the house, she questions the exterminator about the Circle of Life. Do you eat meat, Angela? Pretty sure I’ve seen you eat a burger. After finally conceding, the exterminator tells the girls “you’re doing a good thing.” What a tool.
Spoiler alert: Mice are exterminated. Angela refuses to take off heels in house. Sorry.

Speidi is back for more rating boosters

Executive producer for The Hills spills the dirt on the upcoming season. There are plenty of new faces, including Laguna Beach alum Kristen Cavallari, and the former object of Spencer's straying eye, Stacy the Bartender. But with Kristen revealing in several interviews that the Hills is her "job" and that she was brought in by the producers to "fight, party, and drink," how are we expected to keep on pretending that what we are watching is real? The story lines are interesting, the actors do a pretty good job at making it seem real (on the show at least. All the interviews and pictures in the tabloids paint a different tale), so why not just call it scripted?

Looks like even the producers are getting lazy as Kristen Cav is photographed here reportedly reading the Hills script during a "romantic scene" with J.Bob.

Another potential catfight involves Brody's current girlfriend Jayde. How will she get along with his ex, Kristen? Either the producers chose not to go that route (why the hell not? PLENTY of drama there) because Jayde occasionally tweets about how much she loves Kristen. Either she is forced to make friends with her because the script doesn't include the fact that Kristen and Brody once dated, or Jayde is threatened by Kristen and is making an attempt to stay on her good side. "Truth and time tells all."

What is with Stacey the Bartender and Holly Montag being BFF, or as they call each other "hubby and wifey"?? Didn't Heidi accuse Stacey of stealing her man and spend 3 episodes trashing her? This is either Holly acting out against Spencer...or an oversight of Heidi and Stacy's former feud.

"Let's just pretend it never happened. Nobody remembers last season anyway."

The most obscene and ridiculous of all script changes: "Heidi and Spencer are entering some interesting new territory of considering parenthood," says Exec Producer Liz Gately. Really?? REALLY??? This is what they're trying to pull? After Heidi said in Playboy that she wouldn't want to mess up her body with children anytime in the near future. These two are just one giant contradiction.

"Let's fight on camera and then be a vision of perfection in interviews."
"Let's break up on camera, but then be photographed together for the tabloids."

"Let's get married on camera, but never make it legal."

"Oh you think people will notice? No way, they're 2 different worlds, right?"

How stupid does MTV think we are? Apparently pretty dumb, and with good reason, seeing as Lauren Conrad's novel based on the show made the New York Times bestseller list 3 weeks in a row.

Oh Dougie Dougie Dougie...Who do you think you are? Of COURSE nobody wants you.

Some of you may remember Paris Hilton trashing the Hills (on behalf of her then-and-now-again-boyfriend) a few months back.

"The show is, like, so lame and fake. He doesn't even want to be a part of it. They make up relationships when they're not there, and he just thinks it's lame. I've never seen the
show in my life. I have no idea what it's about. But he just thought it was cheesy." may be familiar with a little show called "Paris Hilton's New BFF." You know, where you have completely real relationships with a bunch of strangers and ultimately pick one of them to be your "BFF" for the season. It's completely real and cheeseless. That must be why Doug appeared on several episodes.

Anyway..I bet Doug Reinhardt is really wishing his ex-and-current-girlfriend had kept her mouth closed. Might have saved him from disease and unemployment. Dougie is crawling back to MTV begging for a spot on the show, but to no avail. While newcomer Kristen Cavallari is making upwards of $65,000 per EPISODE, Doug just wants his old spot as unpaid groupie back.

Doug: Look, I know I've become real famous what with dating a reality star and all...but I'm willing to come back to the show.

MTV Producer: Nah, that's alright.

Doug: Ok, I'm willing to work for $10,000 an episode.

MTV Producer: Seriously, we're ok.

Doug: $5,000.

MTV Producer: *eye roll*

Doug: $50

MTV Producer: *blank stare*

Doug: Ok, ok. Fine, I'll work for free.

MTV Producer: Listen guy

Doug: *interrupting, dropping to knees* PLEASE! I will pay you! I'll do whatever it takes. I'm sorry I told Paris to say those things, I just wanted her to think I was cool! But now I'm broke with no job and I just rented a private island to win her back! *escorted out by security*

Ok, maybe that's not exactly how it happened. But I'm probably not that far off. What a joke.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Just thought I'd bring it to everyone's attention that Khloe Kardashian's twitter default photo is her mugshot. It's really refreshing to see public figures embracing their mistakes and learning from them.

PS. Khloe gets caught with cocaine this week on Khloe and Kourtney take Miami. But she just threw it in her purse after finding it in the store, so no harm done there. Although it was still in her posession...and she is still on probation for aforementioned DUI charge. Let's see how this plays out on Sunday. My guess is the whole thing is staged for the sake of ratings, similar to Kourtney's pregnancy...just a hunch though

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Newsflash: Nobody cares

Facebook is getting on my last nerve REAL quick. Not Facebook specifically, because Mark Zuckerberg is just trying to cash in on people's egotistical obsessions with themselves. Nice touch, Mark. But the obsessive egomaniacs themselves. I am completely fed up, yet totally infatuated with status stalking. Case in point:

NameA: I'm sad. (About 2 hours ago)
NameB: Why boo?
NameC: Cheer up!
Name D: Dislike.
NameA: I'll message you and tell you.

If you want people to know that you're sad, why not let them know WHY you're sad?? And why must you make the point of writing that you're going to send it in a message. JUST SEND IT IN A MESSAGE. Why do people feel the need to catalog every thought and emotion they experience during the day?? And why do I get so sucked into it?

NameA: I'm happy (About 1 hour ago)
NameB: Yay! I knew you would get through it! That jerk doesn't deserve your attention!
NameC: Like.
NameE: Congratulations!

Within 1 hour you went from sad to happy? Did just the point of posting that you were sad make you happy? Is that all it takes? Or is it that people care enough to comment on your sadness.

Another thing..these people that have Facebook on their it really necessary? Do you really need to let everyone know your status at all points throughout the day?

Name1: I think I need to go grocery shopping. Working up energy to do so. (12:03pm)

Name1: Just went grocery shopping. About to make some food. (2:04pm)

Name1: So full. Why did I eat so much? (3:14pm)

Name1: Taking a nap. So tired. (5:00pm)

If you're tired...GO TO BED! Why do you have to take the time to tell people that you're tired? It just baffles my mind how much people enjoy updating their 500 acquaintances. Do they really sit there thinking "I have to update my status. People are probably curious as to what my day was like." Guess what. We're not.
It's only a matter of time before our minds are automatically linked to the computer and our thoughts just appear as statuses.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Is the Real World too real?

Why are these drunks forced to hold a job that if they fail at, they must leave the show? This just makes them hold back and worry only about their job, which nobody cares to see. I want to see the cast go out, get bombed and do something stupid. If they have to be at work by 8am the next morning, this restricts them from doing so. WHY, MTV, WHY?
Last week Joey got drunk and slept through his shift. The rest of the episode is about whether or not he will be sent home. Isn't the entire show supposed to be based on 7 or 8 people drinking and fighting?? I just don't understand it. Let their entire lives revolve around how drunk and stupid they are going to act for the next 4 months.
Another thing about Real nobody capable of being faithful to their significant other? Yes, I realize there are mass quantities of alcohol involved, but you can't spend 4 months without sex, sober or not? You're even allowed 1 conjugal visit during the time spent filming. I feel for the long distance partners of the world.
If I was an MTV producer, the Real World would consist of 3 months, 7 people, 1000 bottles of alcohol, and an entire grocery store built into the house. Working is unnecessary. What do you need money for? Cover charges/drinks at a bar would be covered since you are bringing a camera in and giving the bar free advertising.
Call me, MTV. I'd get you good ratings. I also have alot of friends who are alcoholics and sluts. Let's work something out.

The Ruined Lives of Reality Stars

What is with reality stars televising their private therapy sessions? And moreso, what kind of therapist agrees to this? Aren't they under some kind of oath? If it's nationally televised, are they still not allowed to talk about it with their friends? I understand everyone is out for publicity and fame, but is being on an episode of The Hills or NYC Prep really the most creditable way to go about advertising your business? Especially a business that is categorized by confidentiality?

Let's take a minute to dissect Heidi and Spencer's therapist on the Hills. One, her hair is a different color every week. There's something to be said about one who is always seeking change, whether in their appearance, worklife, lovelife, etc. Two, she was America's best chance of ridding the world of Speidi. She had it within her power to shut them up, or at least publicly humiliate them into seclusion. They are presumably going to her for help and advice on making their "relationship" work. All she needed to do was suggest living a more private life. Granted, they may not have listened, but she could have at least mocked them a little more. It would have gotten ratings if nothing else. Slap them upside the head a little, force them to watch Hills reruns, maybe even take a picture of them under bad lighting and force them to stare at it. Any of these things would be acceptable. Instead, she called their relationship "high school" and that was the end of it. I hope she has been stripped of her license.

The things these "stars" talk about in their sessions is enough to ruin their future. Ok, Spencer and Heidi will spontaneously combust once they get their first wrinkly and are set with the money they collect from staged photo-ops and their Hills salaries to hold them over until then. But PC from NYC Prep is a senior in high school and trying to get into college. Meanwhile, he's talking about the excessive drugs and partying his life is made up of. You know colleges google you, right? You don't? Well I guess you could find a job without a college degree that won't check your background (fingers crossed). Construction worker? Oh, you're not fond of manual labor? Hmm..stripper? Oh, that grosses you out? Drug-dealer? Oh, that's tacky? Well..I guess you're pretty much screwed PC. Enjoy your 15 minutes while they last. You've got about 9 minutes left.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

No Newlyweds Sequel for Jessica and Nick

There have been recent rumors swirling that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey may be reuniting. This is based solely off the fact that they both just got out of relationships. I can't understand this concept of people thinking that because 2 people who used to date are no longer dating anyone else will therefore date each other again. I understand that sometimes people do get back together and it works out in the end. But years have gone by! They are 2 completely different people. They wouldn't even know each other. This rarely happens in real life, let alone in Hollywood.
This was also the case with Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. When Justin and Cameron broke things off, the public speculated that he and Britney would reunite and live happily ever after. This was during the same time that Britney was taken away in an ambulance an committed to an insane hospital temporarily. There is a reason people breakup! Sure, Jessica and Nick make a beautiful couple. That's obvious. But looks can't keep a person happy, as was demonstrated the first time around. There's just no happy ending for these 2.
For instance, I used to like mayonnaise. We had a long term relationship when I was younger. After repeated bad reactions, I now prefer mustard to mayo. If mustard starts making me sick..I will NOT go back to mayonnaise! It just isn't the sensible thing to do! So why, after being heartbroken, would a couple reunite simply based on the fact that they are both single? Sure, the occasional hookup may not be out of the question. I might have a little mayo with a BLT every now and then. But it would never become my favorite condiment again.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Lessons on Love by Dimitri the Douche

There once was a girl named Olga. Olga, a very "elegant" woman, was having drinks with her friends when Dimitri, a real stud, approached her.
Dimitri: You are so very elegant
Olga: No
Dimitri: You are incredibly cute.
Olga: No
Dimitri: I'm a catch.
Olga: No.
Dimitri: I realize you may not be used to such a fine man approaching you, but you have the opportunity to be with me.
Olga: Here's my business card. (big mistake)
Here are the voicemails that resulted in Olga shooing this man away by giving him her real number:

Lesson #1: No does not really mean no. If you are trying to pick a girl up and she's not having it, just assume it's because she doesn't want to make her friends jealous. She must be considerate and a good friend. Try harder.

Lesson #2: Explain to her what an opportunity it is to be seen with you. You are a real catch. Tell her this. Repeatedly.

Lesson #3: If she still resists, assume it is because she was abused as a child and has father issues. Tell her this is the reason she is not into you. It can only make her like you more.

Lesson #4: If you are finally getting the feeling it is not going to happen, tell her you do not go after timid women and that she is a game-player and you are no game show host. By playing hard to get, you can only make things better.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Speidi Goes to Space

Ever since Spencer and Heidi Pratt have been banned from the E! Network, they've appeared in the media very little. I was beginning to think that we had actually heard the last from them. And when Spencer wrote on his twitter that all his fame-hunger was for nothing and that he was going to live only for his wife and God from here on out...I got even more excited. In fact, when I recently heard the word "Speidi" I actually jumped up on the table thinking there was a bug in the room. But my hopes have just been shattered. Turns out this was all apart of their elaborate scheme to be back on tabloid covers again.
They no doubt felt shocked and defeated when they googled themselves and came up with nothing. So when Conan O'Brien recently mentioned Spencer's name, you can bet the deviously dumb duo jumped all over it.

Conan: "Big week for NASA. Despite all the publicity about the moon landing, a recent survey finds that only 29 percent of Americans support NASA sending a manned mission to Mars. Of course, that figure goes up to 90 percent if that man is Spencer Pratt."

Spencer: "I just heard Conan Obrien said that people wantto send me to Mars!? If NASA let's me I will do a reality show of Speidi moving to mars"

Deal! Let's give them a fisher price camera (it's amazing how real children's toys look these days) and tell them it's going to be like Britney's self-filmed "Chaotic." And when the rocket ship spontaneously combusts the second they step out...well...I guess that's that.

Wait. It gets better. Not only are they proposing a reality show to take place in space (any idea on how they plan on filming in Mars and in LA for the Hills simultaneously?), they are actually, seriously, truly, really writing a book on how to become famous. For real.

"I hope once the Speidi written book 'How to Be Famous!' that comes out this fall people will hate less because we shared the blue print. After 'How to Be Famous' hits stores you will have no excuse to be jealous of Speidi fame for 'nothing.' Go get your own fame it's easy!"

I was sent an advanced copy of the book..Here it is in it's entirety:

Chapter 1: Get a plastic face and bleach your hair blonde. (It's easier to smile for long periods of time without hurting your cheek muscles. And the paps photograph you more if you smile pretty.)

Chapter 2: Sign up for any and all reality shows that will hire you. (Scripted television is way hard. You have to read good.)

Chapter 3: Call Reporters and give them quotes on anything that is currently in the news (politics, alien abduction, etc.)

Chapter 4: Start feuds with all of your friends. (Drama keeps you on magazine covers. Plus who needs friends once you're famous?)

Chapter 5: Be born to rich parents (You have to be able to afford looking pretty while being unemployed. Jobs take away from fame.)

Chapter 6: Make friends with only people who own cameras. (They can take "exclusive" photos of you and give you half of the profit when they sell the photos to US Weekly.)

The End!

Disclaimer: This is how to get famous with no talent. If you have talent, then why are you reading this book?

I just saved everyone $7.50 and a trip to the discount racks at Walmart. You're welcome. Go get your fame.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Is He for REAL???

There's a reason Tony Romo is one of the most hated football players (for Eagles fans anyway). He is perhaps more full of himself than his former teammate TO. After his breakup from Jessica Simpson (the day before her birthday, might I add. Cheap much?), Romo put a sign at the entrance to his house that reads:
"Red Alert!!! Tony Romo has made some changes to his list of people allowed in... Jessica is no longer on the list and not approved for access."

FOR REAL???!!!

So many problems with this... Again, anyone who refers to themself in the third person is a douche and deserves to be humiliated publicly. Secondly, the world knows they broke up, do you really need to display your immaturity on your front lawn like a piece of trash? Thirdly, I'm assuming he did this to confirm the fact that he was the one to do the breaking...but it kind of makes it seem like she jilted him and he is left in the dust cleaning up his broken heart.

Jessica, take a lesson from Jennifer Aniston on humiliating ex boyfriends with class. And stay away from John Mayer!

This Just In

Kim Kardashian and long time boyfriend Reggish Bush have parted ways after 2 years. As an occasional spectator of the show, I am deeply disappointed in this. When Khloe, Rob, and Kourtney all became single a few months back, Reggie warned them not to spread their single energy to Kim, which I thought oh-so romantic. I hope this isn't a sign of what's to come for Kendra and Hank. Sports and reality television DO mix!
Love and happiness come first. Kim said in a re-run of "Keeping Up.." that career comes first and she almost missed Reggie's opening game for a photo shoot. Maybe career comes first for the struggling single mother. But if you've already got everything, including a hit tv show, a fragrance, a successful clothing line, etc etc...give love a chance, will ya?!

Kendra's Mom is a Meanie

On this week's episode of Kendra, the former GND star tells her friends, family, and audience that she is pregnant. While there are some smiles and gasps of excitement, Patty cannot hide her disdain. She tells her daughter "Good luck. I can't pretend to be happy for you." and sends Kendra running out of the room/town crying. Was this completely necessary? We all know that your husband left you with 2 kids and probably very little income...but Kendra is marrying a public figure..who also is a millionaire. She also owns her very own mini-mansion and has a steady cash flow coming in without ever having to really "work." Yes, she's only 23 and yes she did get engaged very soon after leaving the mansion...but is that what you're really upset about? You didn't seem to mind one bit when Kendra moved in with a 78 year old man when she was 60 years his junior..not to mention the 2 other girlfriends... We all saw how you reacted when Kendra told you she was leaving the mansion for true love. Do you want your daughter to be a miserable shrew who never leaves her mother's side like you? Let's compare..

Life at the Mansion:
  • Living and fornicating with a 83 year old man.
  • Never allowed to leave the house without giving a detailed plan of where she would be at all times.
  • Coming in last to the old man's other 2 girlfriends.
  • Never had to be responsible for cooking or cleaning or bettering herself in general.
  • Paid $1000 a week paycheck for her "job" as a girlfriend...I think there's a word for that?

Life with Hank:

  • Have mini-mansions on both coasts.
  • Dating a man her own age.
  • Hank's only girlfriend.
  • Marriage isn't a forbidden subject.
  • Can have spontaneous sex without medicine.
  • Husband is young enough for kids.
  • The list goes on
  • and on
  • and on

So what's the problem Patti? Are you mad that you can't live vicariously through the life of a playmate anymore? Do you miss being catered to on the few occasions where Kendra was allowed to have guests? Do you not have enough faith in your daughter to take care of herself and be in a committed relationship?

As a matter of fact, were you the bum I saw sleeping right outside of the mansion gates? Take what you can get Patti, because without Kendra, you wouldn't have that new face and all the perks you get from her allowance. I've got it! You're afraid that the baby will get your share of Kendra's income? Well get with it woman. You're last week's leftovers.

Monday, July 27, 2009

T.O. brings popcorn to Buffalo

Mo is left behind this week to meet her half sister for the first time in 36 years...I'll get to that in a minute...while Kita travels with Terrell and Pablo to Buffalo. Terrell is greeted by a swarm of fans in the airport, which has me thinking these people either don't know about his antics, are paid to inflate his ego even more-so, or are just desperate to have their team make the playoffs. I conclude that it is a combination of all 3, further illustrated when the mayor presents TO with a key to the city. While I do like TO, and I pity him for the childhood he went through, I'm not blind enough to know that if he isn't spoiled and treated like the god that he thinks he is, he will clash with the team and be traded within the year. But by presenting him with the key, a conflict is already being setup in the locker room. What about the other teammates...who have been working hard for the team for years. Do they have a key? How will his big head even fit into the locker room now? I'm predicting problems in the near future.
Moving on...Mo spends the entire episode worrying about her older sister whom she has never met. She gets ahold of her phone number and makes plans to meet for lunch. The phone conversation is not caught on film, and when Mo is left alone at the restaurant, she is only informed via text message (45 minutes after meeting time). I'm beginning to think that this is all a part of Kita's master plan. She realized after last week that something would have to change if she was going to be with Terrell. So she dupes Mo into staying home, somehow gets rid of Pablo and ends up on a romantic date with Terrell in the middle of Niagara Falls. Of course, she puts on a huge scene, pretending that she doesn't want to go on the boat, but I see right through this act. Terrell in turn, picks her up and carries her onto the boat, where she holds onto him for dear life. Not very subtle, as even TO starts to pick up on it and tells her to shut up and act like she's been in public before. Very nice. She needed to be told.
After the boat ride, she surprises her "client" when she tells him they'll be spending the night nearby. They pull up to a tiny little bed & breakfast, where the old couple tells them they are completely booked except for 1 room. Of course. Plan is in action and Kita tells the couple and TO that she misunderstood but that they would deal with it. Until she realizes there is 2 beds and she still won't get to sleep with him. Perhaps realizing what she is up to, Terrell insists they stay so that Kita won't have a chance to find a 1 bed room. I am happy to say his standards are higher than I thought and I hope Kita gets canned for this little stunt. Leave her in Buffalo while you go ho it up in LA, TO!
Can't wait to see what happens next week when Mo finds out about Kita's little scheme. Mo could definitely take her.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Just Say NO... Facebook relationship status. I am completely against this. Sure it's fine going from "single to in a relationship." But who wants the world to know when they go from "in a relationship to single"? Not to mention the little broken heart that appears next to your name on everyone's newsfeed. As if it's not bad enough to go through a breakup, now 300 of your closest friends have the option to "Like" or "Comment" on your doomed lovelife. I think I would be so devastated by having to register my new single status on the web, that I would quickly get over the breakup itself. Until people start commenting, that is. Am I really obligated to give a play by play on my love life? Is nothing sacred anymore?!

My other hangup with relationship status is when people put "It's complicated with (insert same sex platonic friend's name here)." Some girls may do this to mock the idea of it, but I doubt it. Because I know many people who apologize (via their status of course) to the platonic friend when they actually get a man and feel obligated to change the status accordingly. This just makes you look like a fool who made yourself feel better by being in a "facebook relationship." Why is "it's complicated" even an option?? Do people really need to know that your love life is on the rocks? And what if you think it's complicated but your other half thought things were just made it complicated!

Please people, spare us of your drama. If we're not close enough for you to call us and let us know things are going down the toilet, then we probably don't care.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

What is he/she thinking??

It's no secret that a Hollywood lifetime is equal to around 5 years. And since celebs have the life even before finding love, many people like to hate when they start dating other celebs who also have it all. It's the double threat/complete envy factor. I'd like to take the time now to voice my opinion on Hollywood couples that I'd like to see make it, and couples I'd like to see humiliated in a public break up.

The Happy List

  • Pink & Carey Hart (Pink gets on my nerves and she's an angry little thing...but they make a cute couple and any married couple that legally seperates and then reunites is definitely on the happy list.)

  • Kendra & Hank (Again, I'm an Eagles fan, but also an avid Girls Next Door fan and a huge follower of their new show. I love them together and while they seem to be opposites, I really hope they last.)

  • Brian Austin Green & Megan Fox (I don't think these 2 are technically even together right now...but they're photographed holding hands every now and then...which means there's a chance! Some people may hate, but I'm a huge fan of 90210 reruns and David Silver bagging Megan Fox is huge! I hope it happens. Please God.)

Britney & KFed (Again, not technically together, but photographed once in a while. Kids are involved. Even though KFed might be a druggie and Brit is a's better that they see the kids together than each get them alone.)

  • Ashton & Demi [They've already outlived the Hollywood record of longest marriages (approximately) and I love how they're one big happy family with Bruce Willis. Even though her kids are old enough to be Ashton's mistress...they make it work and I wish them the best.]

  • Sarah Michelle & Freddie Prinze (Anyone that actually spends their time on their relationship rather than seeing how much publicity you can get from it deserves to be together.)

  • Teresa Giudice $ Joe Giudice (No that $ is not a typo. Real Housewives of NJ for those of you who don't know. They're wonderful. So in love, 3 beautiful daughters...I want to adopt Gia...deserve to be together for life.)

The Shit List

  • Speidi [Any couple that refers to themselves as one, and in the third person, deserve to be humiliated and not allowed in public. Also, as I own every season of the Hills (they were all well as on my wish list for every holiday/birthday), I get the immediate before and after clips of Heidi and, although she was kind of ditzy and unmotivated before Spencer...she's just a whore after. I hope she dumps him and gets her original face and body back and he is never to be spoken of again. In fact, I hope he is forced to wear her new nose and boobs as punishment.]

  • Brangelina (Angelina's a whore. Can you tell I'm not a fan of infidelity? And Jen is so much better for him. Anyone who disagrees is a whore also.)

  • Lauren Conrad and Kyle Howard [as much as I would like to see Lauren happy in a relationship for once...I just don't see it happening. She's still too young (10 days older than me...we share a sign, jealous?) This is only her first off-cam relationship. That's basically equivalent to a 7th grade relationship. You think it's real because it's the first time you feel anything (down there and otherwise) but she'll move on. Plus..that whole thing about Ryan Gosling hitting on her at a bar and Kyle wanting to fight the guy...PLEASE! Talk about 7th grade relationship. Sorry if not EVERYONE knows who you are and follow who you're dating, Lauren. Maybe he just thought you were some easy chick at a bar. (LOVE YOU LC)]

  • Robo-Tomkat (It's just unnatural. She used to dream about him as a child. Really? That's what gets you going Tom? Are you even straight? Please stop reproducing for the sake of the America turning into that Will Smith robot movie.)

These are the couples I'm most opinionated about. Stay stuned to this post as it will be updated frequently. Also, opinions in agreement or disagreement are welcome as always.

Mo and Kita need to get a man

As a Philadelphia native and a fan of the Philadelphia Eagles, I know I might catch alot of slack when I admit that I actually kind of like the T.O. Show. And not only that, but I kind of like T.O. I've been given the fulll run-down on why he's so hated, but I have to say, I think he's just misunderstood. I did a little bit of research and I discovered that Terrell had a very sheltered childhood. He grew up across the street from his father without ever knowing it. He wasn't ever allowed to leave the front yard, even when he got a new bike for Christmas. So given that he was forbidden to play sports until high school, I think he deserves the right to show off his unwavering skill. The whole "sharpie" thing...many fans hated, but he made some little kid's day by pulling a marker out of his sock and signing the football that he just scored with. Not to be shallow...but he's also got a hot bod.
Many things about this show that I hate (read: obsess over and love afterall).

Let's begin with Mo and Kita. These girls say they are his "publicists," but they don't spend an ounce of energy on publicizing Terrell. Instead, they "ride his back" hard about hitting on girls and going to the club. All the while, they're sitting at the club like wet rags that I used to wash my car, giving death stares to every girl who even glances at TO. I suspect that they've had/want several orgies with Terrell and get angry when they realize he only used them to relieve his built up stress caused by being traded every few seasons. They mention several times during the 30 minute episode that Terrell needs to focus on the plan at hand and stop slacking off. They also mention several times that it's the off season. What exactly does he need to focus on during the off season? They claim that it's finding him a real woman to love...but a guy's gotta start somewhere...there were several "real" women at the club, and the real estate agent...what was wrong with her?...besides the skirt about to explode while at the same time revealing something chunky hiding underneath, the bending over the bed 5 minutes after introduction, the bikini lap dance in the hot tub, etc.

I gather 20 minutes in that the real plan is to reunite TO with Felicia, his ex-fiancee whom he cheated on. WHAT?! Why in the WORLD would this girl want to see the guy that jilted her? Yes, he's a gazillionaire, and yes he's hiding basketballs inside his arms, but what girl in her right mind is going to agree to go out with a man who undoubtedly turned her world upside down (first in a good way, then in a bad way). Nevertheless, Felicia accepts Terrell's call and agrees to meet him. She even dances around the infidelity subject and laughs when TO plays it off like he doesn't remember. I think/hope that she has an ulterior motive here. I'm thinking she's already got someone who she's in love with which is why she could give a crap about TO humiliating her, and I think she's planning revenge. Maybe get him to admit he still loves her, propose again with a new million dollar ring, then bring up the fact that she's already engaged, and sell the ring for 10mil.

Here's hoping.

Dear Hogans: You are all trash, but each in your own endearing way

Linda. Take a life lesson. Get a vibrator and a friend. It's the equivalent to your 19 year old boyfriend minus the estrangement from your daughter. Seems easy enough. But I can see where you're coming from with the child sex because without the drama you wouldn't earn a living. Charlie is your "soul mate right now." Really? Because's he's there for you? He understands what you're going through? He must have gotten an A+ in high school psych. That could have been because he was sleeping with the teacher though..if she was a 50 year old saggy emotionally unstable has-been (or never-was).
But seriously. Your daughter has shut you out. You cry and cry and drip mascara tears all over the cameras, but you refuse to cut ties with your boy toy. This gets my wheels spinning. My first question is: Are you crying when the cameras aren't rolling? I initially thought yes because why wouldn't you wear waterproof makeup if you knew it would be running down your face in mass quantities. But then! I saw how much attention LC's mascara tear got on the Hills and you tried to up your stock. Well played Linda Hogan, well played.

Brooke. You used to be on my nerves..ALOT.. but since your song came out mocking Heidi Montag you went up in my book (it's a lime green spiral notebook from CVS where I ran
k my favorite celebrities in a variety of categories..Brooke is now number 3 under "Creative Ways to mock Speidi. 1 and 2 are Jonah Hill and LC, respectively). Anyway...Brooke, how are you ok with your dad dating your clone but you shun your mom for doing the same? Isn't that just as sick? To be fair, Hulk's female friend is 31 so she's allowed to stay out past 11pm...but she looks IDENTICAL to Brooke. Doesn't that make it pretty even? Maybe Charlie was your boyfriend first and that's the real reason you're not speaking to your mom?? Hmm...the plot thickens.

I have 3 predictions for the finale of Brooke Knows Best.

  1. Charlie and BrookeNumberTwo meet and fall in love, thus bringing the family back together and making room for Hulk to know better than Brooke again.

  2. Charlie calls Linda by Brooke's name and she realizes that he thought she was Brooke this whole time. Then Linda and Hulk get back together and adopt BrookeNumberTwo because BrookeNumberOne leaves the fam for Charlie.

  3. Hulk accidentally sleeps with Brooke, thinking she is BrookeNumberTwo, and they get married, making the title of the next season "Hulk and Brooke Together Know Best, Well at Least Better, Ok Maybe Worst."

What's your take?

Sidenote: How old is Brooke's roommate Glenn? I thought he was around 20-22, MAYBE 23. Because he is best friends/lives with 2 girls of that age. But now his ex (and only) girlfriend makes an appearance and she looks like she is 35! And then the girls mention the "80s prom picture." Is Glenn 40?? I am so confused but somehow this makes so much sense give the Hogan history with age. All the more hypocritical of Brooke. Linda should just tell Brooke that Charlie is her gay roommate.