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Thursday, July 23, 2009

Dear Hogans: You are all trash, but each in your own endearing way

Linda. Take a life lesson. Get a vibrator and a friend. It's the equivalent to your 19 year old boyfriend minus the estrangement from your daughter. Seems easy enough. But I can see where you're coming from with the child sex because without the drama you wouldn't earn a living. Charlie is your "soul mate right now." Really? Because's he's there for you? He understands what you're going through? He must have gotten an A+ in high school psych. That could have been because he was sleeping with the teacher though..if she was a 50 year old saggy emotionally unstable has-been (or never-was).
But seriously. Your daughter has shut you out. You cry and cry and drip mascara tears all over the cameras, but you refuse to cut ties with your boy toy. This gets my wheels spinning. My first question is: Are you crying when the cameras aren't rolling? I initially thought yes because why wouldn't you wear waterproof makeup if you knew it would be running down your face in mass quantities. But then! I saw how much attention LC's mascara tear got on the Hills and you tried to up your stock. Well played Linda Hogan, well played.

Brooke. You used to be on my nerves..ALOT.. but since your song came out mocking Heidi Montag you went up in my book (it's a lime green spiral notebook from CVS where I ran
k my favorite celebrities in a variety of categories..Brooke is now number 3 under "Creative Ways to mock Speidi. 1 and 2 are Jonah Hill and LC, respectively). Anyway...Brooke, how are you ok with your dad dating your clone but you shun your mom for doing the same? Isn't that just as sick? To be fair, Hulk's female friend is 31 so she's allowed to stay out past 11pm...but she looks IDENTICAL to Brooke. Doesn't that make it pretty even? Maybe Charlie was your boyfriend first and that's the real reason you're not speaking to your mom?? Hmm...the plot thickens.

I have 3 predictions for the finale of Brooke Knows Best.

  1. Charlie and BrookeNumberTwo meet and fall in love, thus bringing the family back together and making room for Hulk to know better than Brooke again.

  2. Charlie calls Linda by Brooke's name and she realizes that he thought she was Brooke this whole time. Then Linda and Hulk get back together and adopt BrookeNumberTwo because BrookeNumberOne leaves the fam for Charlie.

  3. Hulk accidentally sleeps with Brooke, thinking she is BrookeNumberTwo, and they get married, making the title of the next season "Hulk and Brooke Together Know Best, Well at Least Better, Ok Maybe Worst."

What's your take?

Sidenote: How old is Brooke's roommate Glenn? I thought he was around 20-22, MAYBE 23. Because he is best friends/lives with 2 girls of that age. But now his ex (and only) girlfriend makes an appearance and she looks like she is 35! And then the girls mention the "80s prom picture." Is Glenn 40?? I am so confused but somehow this makes so much sense give the Hogan history with age. All the more hypocritical of Brooke. Linda should just tell Brooke that Charlie is her gay roommate.

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