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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Kourtney and Khloe take Coke..err..I mean…Miami

Kourtney signed up for a painting class, a nude painting class, a nude painting class with giant balls in her face that she can't help but giggle at, a nude painting class with giant balls in her face that she can't help but giggle at with a lesbian that asks her name. Um..see that camera with “Kourtney and Khloe take Miami” printed on the side?” Yea, that would be Kourtney. Good job being completely out of touch with “reality.”
Meanwhile, Khloe, who hid cocaine that she “found,” in her purse, as previously reported on Popcorn Etc… decides “Hey! What a good idea! Let me bring it out on the air during my radio station and pretend to get high. Yea I’m on probation, but it’s cool.” She gets reprimanded mid-show and suspended from the air.
Later, while summarizing for Kourt, she details that she “just threw it in my bag because I didn’t want people to think it was mine.” Wow. You’re smart.
Kourtney admits to fooling around with girls, and they toast to their new “relationship.” Khloe and the Dash manager immediately assume Kourtney’s a lesbo. Which is then confirmed when Kourt tells the girls that her new friend is also attracted to girls and they’re going out on a date. They make out and she vows never to talk to Les again. What a dude.

She eventually decides to go back to the nude painting class. This time, it’s a nude woman. I think. Kourtney tells Les that she’s not bisexual but still wants to be friends. Do you hook up with guys before telling them you’re not interested but "let’s hang out?" I have a feeling that’s not the last we’ll see of Lesbian. Either that or Kourtney really is a dude and she gave the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech, before never talking to Lesbian again. Well played, Kourt, well played.
Oh, and Kourtney’s show is back on the air. Didn’t see that coming (except in every preview on E!).

What do you mean ‘What I’m yelling about?”

Daddy’s Girls Vanessa and Angela live like slobs. Like all slobs, they have mice in their mansion. Younger sister Angela packs her bags and tells her cousin and sister that if the exterminator doesn’t get rid of the mice, she will not live there. So the exterminator investigates, and promises to exterminate the mice. Angela finds this inhumane and says they can’t kill a living thing…what do you think it means to exterminate, Angela??? Meanwhile the only way you’ll walk around the house is in heels, in order to “elevate” yourself. I think you mean puncture. Off to the hotel she goes.
Daddy calls Angela and intervenes, telling her it is stupid to waste money on a hotel when you have an entire mansion to live in. So back at the house, she questions the exterminator about the Circle of Life. Do you eat meat, Angela? Pretty sure I’ve seen you eat a burger. After finally conceding, the exterminator tells the girls “you’re doing a good thing.” What a tool.
Spoiler alert: Mice are exterminated. Angela refuses to take off heels in house. Sorry.

Speidi is back for more rating boosters

Executive producer for The Hills spills the dirt on the upcoming season. There are plenty of new faces, including Laguna Beach alum Kristen Cavallari, and the former object of Spencer's straying eye, Stacy the Bartender. But with Kristen revealing in several interviews that the Hills is her "job" and that she was brought in by the producers to "fight, party, and drink," how are we expected to keep on pretending that what we are watching is real? The story lines are interesting, the actors do a pretty good job at making it seem real (on the show at least. All the interviews and pictures in the tabloids paint a different tale), so why not just call it scripted?

Looks like even the producers are getting lazy as Kristen Cav is photographed here reportedly reading the Hills script during a "romantic scene" with J.Bob.

Another potential catfight involves Brody's current girlfriend Jayde. How will she get along with his ex, Kristen? Either the producers chose not to go that route (why the hell not? PLENTY of drama there) because Jayde occasionally tweets about how much she loves Kristen. Either she is forced to make friends with her because the script doesn't include the fact that Kristen and Brody once dated, or Jayde is threatened by Kristen and is making an attempt to stay on her good side. "Truth and time tells all."

What is with Stacey the Bartender and Holly Montag being BFF, or as they call each other "hubby and wifey"?? Didn't Heidi accuse Stacey of stealing her man and spend 3 episodes trashing her? This is either Holly acting out against Spencer...or an oversight of Heidi and Stacy's former feud.

"Let's just pretend it never happened. Nobody remembers last season anyway."

The most obscene and ridiculous of all script changes: "Heidi and Spencer are entering some interesting new territory of considering parenthood," says Exec Producer Liz Gately. Really?? REALLY??? This is what they're trying to pull? After Heidi said in Playboy that she wouldn't want to mess up her body with children anytime in the near future. These two are just one giant contradiction.

"Let's fight on camera and then be a vision of perfection in interviews."
"Let's break up on camera, but then be photographed together for the tabloids."

"Let's get married on camera, but never make it legal."

"Oh you think people will notice? No way, they're 2 different worlds, right?"

How stupid does MTV think we are? Apparently pretty dumb, and with good reason, seeing as Lauren Conrad's novel based on the show made the New York Times bestseller list 3 weeks in a row.

Oh Dougie Dougie Dougie...Who do you think you are? Of COURSE nobody wants you.

Some of you may remember Paris Hilton trashing the Hills (on behalf of her then-and-now-again-boyfriend) a few months back.

"The show is, like, so lame and fake. He doesn't even want to be a part of it. They make up relationships when they're not there, and he just thinks it's lame. I've never seen the
show in my life. I have no idea what it's about. But he just thought it was cheesy." may be familiar with a little show called "Paris Hilton's New BFF." You know, where you have completely real relationships with a bunch of strangers and ultimately pick one of them to be your "BFF" for the season. It's completely real and cheeseless. That must be why Doug appeared on several episodes.

Anyway..I bet Doug Reinhardt is really wishing his ex-and-current-girlfriend had kept her mouth closed. Might have saved him from disease and unemployment. Dougie is crawling back to MTV begging for a spot on the show, but to no avail. While newcomer Kristen Cavallari is making upwards of $65,000 per EPISODE, Doug just wants his old spot as unpaid groupie back.

Doug: Look, I know I've become real famous what with dating a reality star and all...but I'm willing to come back to the show.

MTV Producer: Nah, that's alright.

Doug: Ok, I'm willing to work for $10,000 an episode.

MTV Producer: Seriously, we're ok.

Doug: $5,000.

MTV Producer: *eye roll*

Doug: $50

MTV Producer: *blank stare*

Doug: Ok, ok. Fine, I'll work for free.

MTV Producer: Listen guy

Doug: *interrupting, dropping to knees* PLEASE! I will pay you! I'll do whatever it takes. I'm sorry I told Paris to say those things, I just wanted her to think I was cool! But now I'm broke with no job and I just rented a private island to win her back! *escorted out by security*

Ok, maybe that's not exactly how it happened. But I'm probably not that far off. What a joke.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Just thought I'd bring it to everyone's attention that Khloe Kardashian's twitter default photo is her mugshot. It's really refreshing to see public figures embracing their mistakes and learning from them.

PS. Khloe gets caught with cocaine this week on Khloe and Kourtney take Miami. But she just threw it in her purse after finding it in the store, so no harm done there. Although it was still in her posession...and she is still on probation for aforementioned DUI charge. Let's see how this plays out on Sunday. My guess is the whole thing is staged for the sake of ratings, similar to Kourtney's pregnancy...just a hunch though

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Newsflash: Nobody cares

Facebook is getting on my last nerve REAL quick. Not Facebook specifically, because Mark Zuckerberg is just trying to cash in on people's egotistical obsessions with themselves. Nice touch, Mark. But the obsessive egomaniacs themselves. I am completely fed up, yet totally infatuated with status stalking. Case in point:

NameA: I'm sad. (About 2 hours ago)
NameB: Why boo?
NameC: Cheer up!
Name D: Dislike.
NameA: I'll message you and tell you.

If you want people to know that you're sad, why not let them know WHY you're sad?? And why must you make the point of writing that you're going to send it in a message. JUST SEND IT IN A MESSAGE. Why do people feel the need to catalog every thought and emotion they experience during the day?? And why do I get so sucked into it?

NameA: I'm happy (About 1 hour ago)
NameB: Yay! I knew you would get through it! That jerk doesn't deserve your attention!
NameC: Like.
NameE: Congratulations!

Within 1 hour you went from sad to happy? Did just the point of posting that you were sad make you happy? Is that all it takes? Or is it that people care enough to comment on your sadness.

Another thing..these people that have Facebook on their it really necessary? Do you really need to let everyone know your status at all points throughout the day?

Name1: I think I need to go grocery shopping. Working up energy to do so. (12:03pm)

Name1: Just went grocery shopping. About to make some food. (2:04pm)

Name1: So full. Why did I eat so much? (3:14pm)

Name1: Taking a nap. So tired. (5:00pm)

If you're tired...GO TO BED! Why do you have to take the time to tell people that you're tired? It just baffles my mind how much people enjoy updating their 500 acquaintances. Do they really sit there thinking "I have to update my status. People are probably curious as to what my day was like." Guess what. We're not.
It's only a matter of time before our minds are automatically linked to the computer and our thoughts just appear as statuses.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Is the Real World too real?

Why are these drunks forced to hold a job that if they fail at, they must leave the show? This just makes them hold back and worry only about their job, which nobody cares to see. I want to see the cast go out, get bombed and do something stupid. If they have to be at work by 8am the next morning, this restricts them from doing so. WHY, MTV, WHY?
Last week Joey got drunk and slept through his shift. The rest of the episode is about whether or not he will be sent home. Isn't the entire show supposed to be based on 7 or 8 people drinking and fighting?? I just don't understand it. Let their entire lives revolve around how drunk and stupid they are going to act for the next 4 months.
Another thing about Real nobody capable of being faithful to their significant other? Yes, I realize there are mass quantities of alcohol involved, but you can't spend 4 months without sex, sober or not? You're even allowed 1 conjugal visit during the time spent filming. I feel for the long distance partners of the world.
If I was an MTV producer, the Real World would consist of 3 months, 7 people, 1000 bottles of alcohol, and an entire grocery store built into the house. Working is unnecessary. What do you need money for? Cover charges/drinks at a bar would be covered since you are bringing a camera in and giving the bar free advertising.
Call me, MTV. I'd get you good ratings. I also have alot of friends who are alcoholics and sluts. Let's work something out.

The Ruined Lives of Reality Stars

What is with reality stars televising their private therapy sessions? And moreso, what kind of therapist agrees to this? Aren't they under some kind of oath? If it's nationally televised, are they still not allowed to talk about it with their friends? I understand everyone is out for publicity and fame, but is being on an episode of The Hills or NYC Prep really the most creditable way to go about advertising your business? Especially a business that is categorized by confidentiality?

Let's take a minute to dissect Heidi and Spencer's therapist on the Hills. One, her hair is a different color every week. There's something to be said about one who is always seeking change, whether in their appearance, worklife, lovelife, etc. Two, she was America's best chance of ridding the world of Speidi. She had it within her power to shut them up, or at least publicly humiliate them into seclusion. They are presumably going to her for help and advice on making their "relationship" work. All she needed to do was suggest living a more private life. Granted, they may not have listened, but she could have at least mocked them a little more. It would have gotten ratings if nothing else. Slap them upside the head a little, force them to watch Hills reruns, maybe even take a picture of them under bad lighting and force them to stare at it. Any of these things would be acceptable. Instead, she called their relationship "high school" and that was the end of it. I hope she has been stripped of her license.

The things these "stars" talk about in their sessions is enough to ruin their future. Ok, Spencer and Heidi will spontaneously combust once they get their first wrinkly and are set with the money they collect from staged photo-ops and their Hills salaries to hold them over until then. But PC from NYC Prep is a senior in high school and trying to get into college. Meanwhile, he's talking about the excessive drugs and partying his life is made up of. You know colleges google you, right? You don't? Well I guess you could find a job without a college degree that won't check your background (fingers crossed). Construction worker? Oh, you're not fond of manual labor? Hmm..stripper? Oh, that grosses you out? Drug-dealer? Oh, that's tacky? Well..I guess you're pretty much screwed PC. Enjoy your 15 minutes while they last. You've got about 9 minutes left.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

No Newlyweds Sequel for Jessica and Nick

There have been recent rumors swirling that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey may be reuniting. This is based solely off the fact that they both just got out of relationships. I can't understand this concept of people thinking that because 2 people who used to date are no longer dating anyone else will therefore date each other again. I understand that sometimes people do get back together and it works out in the end. But years have gone by! They are 2 completely different people. They wouldn't even know each other. This rarely happens in real life, let alone in Hollywood.
This was also the case with Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. When Justin and Cameron broke things off, the public speculated that he and Britney would reunite and live happily ever after. This was during the same time that Britney was taken away in an ambulance an committed to an insane hospital temporarily. There is a reason people breakup! Sure, Jessica and Nick make a beautiful couple. That's obvious. But looks can't keep a person happy, as was demonstrated the first time around. There's just no happy ending for these 2.
For instance, I used to like mayonnaise. We had a long term relationship when I was younger. After repeated bad reactions, I now prefer mustard to mayo. If mustard starts making me sick..I will NOT go back to mayonnaise! It just isn't the sensible thing to do! So why, after being heartbroken, would a couple reunite simply based on the fact that they are both single? Sure, the occasional hookup may not be out of the question. I might have a little mayo with a BLT every now and then. But it would never become my favorite condiment again.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Lessons on Love by Dimitri the Douche

There once was a girl named Olga. Olga, a very "elegant" woman, was having drinks with her friends when Dimitri, a real stud, approached her.
Dimitri: You are so very elegant
Olga: No
Dimitri: You are incredibly cute.
Olga: No
Dimitri: I'm a catch.
Olga: No.
Dimitri: I realize you may not be used to such a fine man approaching you, but you have the opportunity to be with me.
Olga: Here's my business card. (big mistake)
Here are the voicemails that resulted in Olga shooing this man away by giving him her real number:

Lesson #1: No does not really mean no. If you are trying to pick a girl up and she's not having it, just assume it's because she doesn't want to make her friends jealous. She must be considerate and a good friend. Try harder.

Lesson #2: Explain to her what an opportunity it is to be seen with you. You are a real catch. Tell her this. Repeatedly.

Lesson #3: If she still resists, assume it is because she was abused as a child and has father issues. Tell her this is the reason she is not into you. It can only make her like you more.

Lesson #4: If you are finally getting the feeling it is not going to happen, tell her you do not go after timid women and that she is a game-player and you are no game show host. By playing hard to get, you can only make things better.